The squat and squirt

Japanese toilets. Or as one fellow expat calls them “the squat and squirt”. I understand that there is an arcane mindset that even touching the toilet is dirty, but given the choice, most Japanese will go for the western style toilet. Besides, the Japanese have improved upon it by a attaching so many buttons and wingdings to it that it looks like Darth Vader would be comfy there. I hate the seat heating option though, as I feel like I am using it right after some large, sweaty construction worker. Other options include a “use the force” hand wave in front of a sensor to flush it. When I sit on a regular toilet now, I think to myself “what? Just one option?”

The first reaction to the Jtoilet is a good one. “Wow! The doors go from floor to ceiling! Great!” This feeling is quickly dashed as one is confronted by what looks like a urinal that some drunk guy had installed into the floor instead of the wall. So the first few seconds are spent looking at the toilet like its a Sudoku puzzle, trying to figure out the physics of it. The neophyte options are usually as follows:

( for males at least. I never thought about bringing up pee habits when I talk with girls).

1) The Superhero: this is when you just give up, sling your pants over your shoulder with one hand, while putting the other hand on your hips letting things land where they may. Perhaps you may even hum a patriotic tune while your at it.

2). The doggie: this is when you circle that ceramic hole in the ground a couple times trying to figure out where to sit. Erroneously, one might come to the conclusion that the hood is some sort of back support. Wrong! That hood is the pee catcher, hombre! In my inaugural Jtoilet experience, I started with this one, almost sat down on the thing, and finally said “fuck it.” And went right into the Superhero… I didn’t hum anything patriotic, but the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica was bouncing through my brain.

3) The multitasker: these things were never designed for modern clothing, and I imagine girls wearing dresses just have to flip them over their head or something. For me, what I have ended up doing is; while squatting down, use one hand to bunch up my pants and lift them over the hood to get them out of the line of fire, while my other hand is grabbing onto the plumbing, which is thankfully very sturdy and just lean back. I suppose the nightmare scenario would be the piping coming off creating a geyser of toilet water as I fall backward into the toilet. Not a pretty thought.

Why am I writing this? I am at Chibimaru-chu, and this is what they got. I also have a little bit too much free time here today.


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